Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Love is in the air fryer.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?