America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
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Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
dads on road-trips be like
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”