Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree