I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
no their not
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?