I’ve had relationships like this
You Might Also Like
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I love twitter
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.