i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.