I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Yes, this is exactly right