I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
You Might Also Like
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”