Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.