i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
they finally got him. they got macavity
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.