My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Name another movie that mislead you?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
dutch is not a serious language
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
How actors in movies eat their food
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number