Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
constantly working on myself.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em