Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
seems fine
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Miscakes
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”