*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
PARKOUR
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy