I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.