To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.