My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me