I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”