Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.