Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Lmao
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh