Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.