Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses