ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work