Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
wait.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.