[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.