boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I ate everything, including the H.