Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”