My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
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(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Sign at work today