Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.