In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
having children is a pyramid scheme.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*