she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
You Might Also Like
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Word.
~ Microsoft.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
me: my friends:
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“you recording!?”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job