Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
#NeverForget
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.