I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
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[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
When ur friends with white people
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.