He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
🤣could you imagine
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
absolute chaos
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE