i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
work smarter, not harder
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN