Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
You Might Also Like
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”