I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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called in thicc to work this morning
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The two types of wives
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Perfect
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.