Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
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Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’d hang this in my house.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.