Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I am also baked goods
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.