the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
You Might Also Like
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic