Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Happy birthday to all the women
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you