If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Not today. 😅
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Pringles
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.