Never forget.
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SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
sigh
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids