I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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Pandas 🐼🖤
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Eat…
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting