friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”