“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
that de-escalated quickly
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing