“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?