Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
He’s cranky this morning
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”