When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
#oldknees
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!