Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
iPhone X
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Yup.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
The funk soul brother
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%